Chapter 1

The French Mistake

  1. The family arrives with their suitcases at a crumbling Wisconsin farm: sagging house, a barn with half a roof, a leaning rusty silo. Gérard opens his arms; Papy René wears a duck swim ring.

    Gérard saw an ad: “Land of Opportunity.” He bought a farm in Wisconsin. From the photos.

    Welcome to Saint-Curd!

  2. Monique holds an old photo of the farm, brand new, in front of the real kitchen: collapsed ceiling, a raccoon in the sink.

    The photos are from 2004, Gérard. The raccoon is from now.

  3. Papy René sits in a deckchair in the middle of a cornfield, swim ring around his waist, bucket and spade, looking for the sea. A cow looks at him.

    Hein? Where is the beach?

  4. At the fence, Gérard lectures, finger raised; on the other side, Bob Kluck, the neighbor in overalls, listens with a huge kind smile.

    I came to teach you cheese. Real cheese. Not the plastic.

    Well, that’s real neat! Welcome, neighbor!

  5. Bob hands Gérard a big wedge of orange cheddar with a blue prize rosette on it; Gérard sniffs it, suspicious.

    Here, taste what we make around here. Won a few ribbons.

    An American cheese. I will be polite. I will suffer.

  6. Close-up on Gérard chewing the cheddar, eyes wide, a tear rolling down into his moustache, then pulling himself together.

    …It’s good. It’s good.

    Don’t worry, Bob. My wife’s bread is so hard, we use it for fences.

  7. In the farmyard, Monique brings a baguette down on Gérard’s head, his beret flies; behind the fence Bob, puzzled, still holds his cheddar; Papy René, in his deckchair, looks straight at us, glass of red raised.

    BONK!

    We crossed an ocean to lose to a Bob.