Chapter 2

Pain in the Ass

  1. Boulangerie Monique: a crooked plank lean-to stuck to the farmhouse, a basket of baguettes on the counter, Monique waiting. In front, mud, a cow, an empty gravel road and cornfields.

    Boulangerie Monique. Open at six. First customer: never.

    The bread is ready. Where are the people?

  2. Patty Olson, county health inspector, hi-vis vest and clipboard, smiles politely at the counter; Monique eyes her, arms crossed.

    Hi there! Patty Olson, county health. Just a routine visit!

    A customer. Finally.

  3. Behind the door, Gérard hides a big wheel of cheese and a bottle of red against his belly, whispering to Monique, who doesn’t blink.

    Monique. Washington sent a spy.

    She is from the county, Gérard.

  4. Hidden behind the lean-to, Patty bites into a whole baguette, eyes closed in bliss, crumbs all over her chin, her clipboard raised to hide her face.

    Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.

  5. Side by side at the counter, Patty points her pen at a long form while Monique leans over it, surprised, almost moved.

    Box twelve: your fridge temperature. I’ll walk you through it, hon.

    Someone in this country who helps?

  6. Chloé films the bakery with her cracked pink phone, blowing a gum bubble; behind her, at the counter, Monique holds her cheeks in horror.

    I renamed it for TikTok: Pain in the Ass. It’s literally iconic.

  7. That evening at the table, Monique brings a baguette down on Gérard, who was holding out his phone; his beret flies. Chloé stays on her phone. Papy René looks straight at us, glass of red raised.

    BONK!

    Twelve views, Monique! Even the internet won’t eat your bread.

    Twelve views. Still more than customers.