Kévin
Chloé’s boyfriend, from college
American, no accent, content creator with 37 followers. Finds the family “authentic”, the worst thing anyone has ever called them.
“Hey! Big fan. You guys are so authentic!”
Saint-Curd, Wisconsin
Forty minutes from Madison, at the end of a gravel road, there is a farm Gérard bought from the photos. The photos were from 2004. He renamed it Saint-Curd and painted the sign himself. The county was not consulted.
Kévin calls it The French Mistake Farm. The neighbors call it “the French folks’ place”, kindly. Gérard calls it “my kingdom”. Monique does not call it anything in front of the children.
How they got here
Gérard saw an ad on TV: “Land of Opportunity”. He sold the house in France to come and teach the Americans cheese. In Wisconsin. America’s Dairyland.
Monique said yes on one condition: her own bakery. Papy René said yes because he thought it was a holiday. He is still waiting for the beach.
Chloé goes to college in Madison, where she met Kévin. They would all go back to France, but they owe the bank more than the farm is worth.
Château Migraine
Gérard’s wine, made in the barn from grapes he will not name. The cuvée is called “Une Dent”: his own tooth is on the label.
It won first prize at the county fair. In the vinegar category. Papy René drinks it every night and says it is the best since 1965.
Gérard also imports his cheese from France, at the price of a car, to a state that makes more cheese than France. Bob next door makes better. Do not tell Gérard.
Tasting notes, by Gérard
- Nose: barn.
- Mouth: courage.
- Finish: the next morning.
- Pairs with: regret, and Papy René.
Boulangerie Monique
A plank lean-to stuck to the farmhouse. Real French bread, baked at five every morning, for nobody.
On TikTok it is called “Pain in the Ass”: Chloé renamed it. Monique hates it. It is the only thing about the bakery that works.
One regular customer: Patty, from the county health department. She says it is for the inspection.
Opening hours
- Open at six.
- First customer: never.
- Closed when Monique says so.
The camera on the TV
Kévin films everything, so Gérard banned him from the table. Before he left, Kévin taped a little webcam on top of the TV.
Every dinner since is the show. The camera is the TV, so when the family yells at the American news, they are yelling at you.
That is why the episodes only ever show the family at dinner. Everybody else on this page lives on this site and nowhere else.
The neighbors
Everyone around Saint-Curd is sincerely nice, and better than the family at everything. That is what drives them mad.
Bob Kluck
the neighbor
Makes award-winning cheddar next door. Never brags. Better than Gérard at everything, and has no idea.
“Well, that’s real neat! Welcome, neighbor!”
Brenda Kluck
the neighbor’s wife
From Minnesota, and she will mention it. Brings hotdish over “to help you fit in.”
“I brought you a hotdish, hon! To help you fit in!”
Patty Olson
the county health inspector
Comes for the inspection, stays for the baguettes. Helps Monique with every form. Gérard thinks Washington sent her.
“Hi there! Patty Olson, county health. Just a routine visit!”
Duane
the sheriff’s deputy
Loves France and dreams of driving a TGV. Every visit to the farm ends in questions about French trains. Gérard knows nothing about trains.
“Sir, you’re French! Have you driven a TGV?”
Maddie
Chloé’s best friend from college
Brilliant, sarcastic, and the one who posted the phone video of Gérard yelling at the TV. Two million views. She would like some credit.
““This man is the most French thing I’ve ever seen.” Two million of those.”
Linda
the banker
Has a Québécois great-grandmother and three words of French. Sincerely wants to help her “roots”. Every solution she finds is great for the bank.
“Bonjour! Voilà! Have you thought about a second mortgage?”
Pull up a chair
New episode whenever America serves us something. Follow @baguettereport where you scroll.
